Two Weeks Already

I can't believe that our sweet little Addiebell has been in our life for two weeks. In some ways it feels like she has always been with us, and in others, it's hard to believe that she is already two weeks old.

I'm sure all parents feel this way, but Addie is truly wonderful. She is so strong and alert ...and has no problem staying awake for hours. Seriously...she can stay awake for three, four, five hours at a stretch, just hanging out with us and taking in the world. I already feel some small Mommy pangs for the sleepy little swimmer that was born two weeks ago, because Adelaide is adjusting so well to life "out here". That's a GREAT thing of course, but I do miss her sleepy little water ballet movements...where it was obvious she expected more resistance to her motions than air was capable of giving her...and her deep, deep, newborn sleeps.

The flip side is that our little baby is becoming ever more capable of interacting with us. She watches us talk and moves her little mouth too. She loves Patty Cake and "Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes" and sitting up. She still hates changing her clothes and sponge baths. Her cord stump did fall off today, so soon enough she'll take her first "real" bath, and perhaps she will be more into that. Perhaps.

It is freezing here, and I feel some sort of residual evolutionary guilt for birthing my child in such an inhospitable season! The highs are in the single digits and let me tell you...it is NOT easy to excavate a breast from all these layers. However, since Addie is nursing every two hours, I've had to get fairly proficient at the partial strip. She is sleeping pretty well...only really waking to nurse...and the only real "difficulty" we're having is that Addie refuses to sleep in her bassinette thus far. She'll sleep in her car seat and in her swing and in bed with us. The "in bed with us" part is definitely a slippery slope because it is SO nice to cuddle with her in our bed. I can see why people get stuck with a seven year old in their bed ...it's just so cozy. However, I'm writing this down so I can remind myself that we ARE NOT letting Addie sleep with us indefinitely. :-)

CiCi (my mom!) has been here, and that's been a huge help. I'm not sure what it is about becoming a mother that makes you desperately want your own mom, but that has certainly been the case with me.

Speaking of Moms, I can hear Addie stirring so I'm going to cut this short. I could write about my child all day long...if she didn't need to eat. ;-)

Addie's Birth Story

I've been wanting desperately to write down the story of Addie's birth, but I've also been sort of reluctant to tackle it. It was an undeniably arduous experience...I'm sure labor always is...and it really couldn't have gone LESS to our plan. It's been hard to talk about it without getting emotional, but I do want to record what happened, how I feel about it, and also what I think I've learned. And most importantly, I of course want to talk about Addie and how amazing she really is.

I went into labor at about 4:30 in the morning on the 16th. I got up and tidied up the house a little bit, re-checked our hospital bags, and started timing contractions. They were about 8 minutes apart at this point and strong enough that I needed to concentrate on breathing through them. I took a shower, which had always previously stopped any contractions that I'd had. These continued to increase in frequency and strength, so I woke Tim up at around 7 and asked him to start getting ready. By 8:00, I was resting on the bed for the contractions and really concentrating on breathing through them. They were five minutes apart at this point, and at 8:10 AM, I literally heard and felt my water break. That pretty much cemented the whole "this is real" thing, so we finished up around the house and made our way into the hospital at around 9:30 AM.

Up until this point, I felt really calm. In retrospect, this was the best part of my labor. I was definitely in pain and definitely needed to focus all of my attention on breathing and relaxing through the pains. Nonetheless, I felt good...very focused and calm.

The process of checking into the hospital, however, really disturbed me. It wasn't that anything was done badly, it was just that my whole practice of hypnobirthing was predicated on a very calm and relaxed environment. Suddenly I was in a place where I couldn't control anything and I couldn't even lie down through my pains at first. I definitely started to panic. The bathroom was really far away, and I was hooked up to a fetal monitor that inhibited my ability to lie in the position I felt most comfortable being in. Once I was out of "the zone" everything seemed much more painful. My contractions were two minutes apart at this point and literally off the charts in terms of strength. I thought "oh well, I must be making some real progress at least" and thought I could hang on until things calmed down.

The midwife checked me and said I was 4.5 cm dilated and that it would probably take me about an hour per cm. This is pretty much when my wheels fell off. I thought "oh my goodness, I cannot do this for five more hours with all these people rushing about" ...I basically completely panicked. Needlessly, as it turned out, because by 12:30, I was already at 8 cm. Essentially, I thought I was at the very beginning and it was going to get much worse...when in reality, that was the peak of how "bad" the pain was going to be. However, this being my first time...there was really no way for me to know that in advance.

At any rate, I got an epidural and that turned out to be detrimental to my labor. This is where I feel like things were handled badly by the hospital. No one asked me what my goal was with the epidural, or if I'd ever had a weird history with any type of anesthesia. They basically knocked that baby right out of the park. I couldn't feel a thing or even move my legs. This is when my contractions started falling off in intensity and frequency. Apparently they were supposed to be testing my level of feeling with ice or alcohol strips. That never happened. I wasn't called complete until 6:30. This means that it took around six hours to get my final two centimeters.

I started pushing then...but I wasn't making much progress. In retrospect, it's not surprising, because again, I couldn't feel ANYTHING or move anything. The midwife suggested that I take Pitocin, but I was against this type of intervention. I asked them to turn down the epidural at this point. However, I'd already been pushing uselessly for an hour and a half. I did have my only period of productive pushing here, but again, my contractions weren't incredibly strong or regular. Eventually, they gave me Pitocin to help my contractions strengthen. This caused the relentless awful Pitocin contractions that everyone dreads, but I did seem to make some more progress pushing. However, it hurt like the dickens, and I was utterly exhausted. After three and half hours, the midwives called in the OB team to evaluate the situation.

They decided that Addie was far enough down the birth canal that forceps might be helpful. So I was taken to the delivery room and asked to push with the forceps. That was all well and good, but they turned the epidural back up in order to use the forceps....and I was back to the useless pushing. Not to mention being seriously disturbed at two full grown men yanking on my child's head with all their might. I'm pretty sure this is when I started crying, because I knew what was coming.

Sure enough, they decided I needed a C section, since Addie's heart rate was showing some distress. They tried numbing me through the epidural but that didn't work either...as we discovered when they started cutting. That was highly unpleasant. So I was knocked out and intubated for Addie's actual birth. Tim had to leave for that part, which was also really upsetting.

Adelaide Campbell Ewald was born via C section at 10:42 PM...nearly 18 hours after my labor first started.

When I came to about an hour later, I was very out of it, but I was filled with profound relief that Addie was all right...and surprise that she was a girl! I remember trying really hard to focus on her, and having great difficulty doing so....but noticing right away that she had Tim's eyes. I also have vague memories of people holding Addie up to me to feed and someone literally holding my breast in her mouth so that she could eat. I'm really glad that they did that, but again, her first feeding is kind of hazy in my mind.

I do feel a lot of ...distress...at how stressful and painful our labor was. However, I am trying to focus on the fact that we are both totally fine. The outcome is the important part. And the outcome is so wonderful in this case.

I do have a lot of grief though, and I think I sort of have to give myself permission to feel grief over what happened. I wasn't actually "present" for my baby's birth. I didn't hear that first cry, didn't see her emerge into the world, and don't even really remember her first feeding. That's completely heartbreaking. Is it the MOST important thing? No, clearly her health was the main goal, but it was certainly AN important thing, at least to me. And I am most definitely not happy about how the labor and delivery progressed. It's confusing, because it feels somehow like saying that means that I'm unhappy with her. Nothing could be farther from the truth...but I do feel like our experience was not the positive one Tim and I truly hoped for.

Recovery was pretty wretched. I basically had to recover from the nearly four hours of hard vaginal labor, forceps, and a c section. Three labors, in essence. I was horrified by how many pads, bandages, pills, and tubes it took just to hold me together. I was hugely swollen with fluids...so much so that I weighed more after delivery than before it, despite a nearly nine pound baby and placenta and such. I've never before been seriously ill or injured and it was a shock to my system to be so weak and in so much pain. I did not really enjoy my hospital stay...for physical reasons, but also because it was NOT restful. We actually left early despite the battered shape I was in...recovery was just much easier at home.

They officially called Addie's birth a case of "cephalo-pelvic disproportion" or CPD. Essentially, they were saying that her head was too large for my birth canal. However, I have no idea whether or not this is actually the case. Addie's head isn't huge. The surgeon said that I was a "good candidate for vaginal delivery"...meaning that I don't have an abnormally small pelvic opening. Maybe it was the case that I was never going to be able to deliver Addie naturally...or maybe it was a case of interventions leading to a cascade of interventions.

At any rate, should we be so lucky as to have another child, I am even more firmly resolved to labor naturally. If I end up with a C section again, so be it, but I am not at all confident that we truly were a case of CPD.

I AM confident that I ended up with a strong and wonderful baby. Adelaide is a joy. Tim and I might have been somewhat scarred by her birth (me, literally!) but her presence is nothing but a blessing. I'd go through the whole thing again, even knowing how tough it was, and I don't say that lightly. She was worth it.

She's here!

Welcome to the world, baby girl! Adelaide Campbell Ewald was born on December 16th at 10:42 PM. She weighed in at 8 lbs, 11 oz and was 20.75 inches long. She was born wonderful and has stayed that way for the whole first week of her life. :-)

Adelaide, Addie, Addie Bell, Laide-y Bug...no matter what I call her, it all equals joy. She is a beautiful little girl, and SUCH a personality. She loves eating. She makes this satisfied little grunt when she latches on and likes to fall asleep nursing. When I try to detach her, she does what I call the "barnacle" and wraps herself tightly around my stomach with a determined little noise like "no way, I'm not done yet". She has the sweetest and funniest facial expressions....she smiles in her sleep (she has a dimple!) and does what we call her "Zoolander" face...pursed lips and raised eyebrows. She likes sitting up to look at the world and the Christmas tree. She loves sleeping on our chests and makes the funniest little cooing and gasping noises in her sleep. She really gives it her all.

She dislikes bright lights, doctor's appointments, and changing her clothes. She used to dislike having her diaper changed until I got her a wipes warmer. I decided that I wouldn't want my bum wiped with a cold cloth during the Minnesota winter either!

Tim and I can't believe how much we love our precious little girl already. I am exhausted, but mostly blissful. I've had one emotional breakdown after a loooong night where Addie ate every single hour, but in general, I'm feeling pretty good at this point. Tired, but happy.

All Quiet on the Uterine Front

OK, that's actually not true...the title of this post, I mean. I have been having contractions, sometimes quite uncomfortable ones, but no "true" labor yet. For the last hour I've actually been feeling a lot of discomfort with the cramps, but it's too soon for me to tell whether or not this is another practice go or THE beginning of the real thing.

It's funny, I can already tell that contractions aren't going to feel at all like I thought they would. I'm not sure what I thought they would be like, but I think I underestimated the sheer all-encompassing, total body effort that labor will require. It's not just enduring the cramping of a huge muscle...which would be tough in any case. So far, contractions feel like this sort of incredible grinding deep in the very pit of your body which requires all of your attention. And this clenching dull ache is also affecting everything else...lower back, thighs, intestines, stomach...which tend to sort of clench in sympathy. It's very early though, so my impressions might be subject to change. I can see that breathing and really working on relaxation (there's an oxymoron) are going to be important. Thank heavens for the hypnobirthing practice.

In other news, we survived our huge blizzard without any ill effects. Our neighbors were flat out awesome...they came over and shoveled out the drive and the sidewalk for me, since Tim was on call for the 30 or so hours of the blizzard. They also gave me their numbers and insisted that they would get me to the hospital if I needed to go. Fortunately, I didn't have to use those numbers, but it was such a relief to have a reliable back up plan. Particularly one that didn't involve me trying to pilot the Audi through two feet of unplowed snow while in active labor!

Tim and I went to a holiday party for the Orthopedic Department last night and had a wonderful time with all of our friends. I felt like a small orca ...blubbery in my black and white....but everyone was very kind and it was nice to get out and think about something besides when we're going to get to meet our baby. I'm trying to stay as busy as possible to make the time pass quickly. My friend Rebecca had her daughter three weeks ago, and she advised me to remember how much quieter they are in the womb! So true. I'm sure that when I'm staggering about in exhaustion, I'll wonder why I was in such a hurry to deliver!

Baby is still snug and safe inside Mom aka me. I have been having some contractions, but nothing that makes me feel like I'm really approaching labor. At least thus far.

Today I am actually grateful for that, however, since we are being slammed with quite a blizzard outside. I fully admit to being intimidated by the sheer amount of snow that is falling. Tim wasn't even able to drive our car to work today, given that there was at least two feet of unplowed snow in the road. Andi is game, but not that game. Fortunately, our neighbor, Mike, was able to drive Tim into work today in his pickup truck. Heavens only knows how he will get home, but I guess we will cross that bridge when we get there. I am definitely praying that SmallWald will stay quiet today and until the roads are easily traveled again.

Tim and I took the dogs for a walk last night. There was already a fair amount of snow (perhaps 6 inches?) and the wind was really blowing, but it was still fun. The snow was so fine that it was almost like rain or mist. The dogs enjoyed themselves immensely for the first part of the walk, although they were definitely ready for shelter by the time we got back home. Tim and I ate clementines and enjoyed the particular quiet that snow brings. The Christmas lights were all sporting veils of snow, which brought an almost candle like softness to the light. It was lovely.

We got back inside and had quite the time drying off Indy and Rocky. Rocky, in particular, was absolutely caked with snow. He had huge chunks of it caught in his fur, and did a great impression of a "pitiful abused puppy" for a few minutes until it fully melted. Then he was off to the races again.

When I let the dogs out this morning, they weren't even sure what to do. Indy desperately wanted to go the yard, but he couldn't clear the snowbanks. They were forced to do their business on the shoveled part of the driveway/sidewalk and Indy was MOST indignant about this development. Kind of like we would be if we were forced to poo beside our toilets, now that I think about it! Rocky could have cared less, he was very businesslike and then he wanted to back inside, pronto.

Keep your fingers crossed that the Baby decides to wait for better weather to make an appearance!

Waiting

So I had another appt today and this time I was 1.5 cm dilated and somewhere between 75% and 100% effaced. I'm hoping it's closer to 100 %, but this isn't a precise science.

And so, I am waiting. More or less patiently, and usually it's "less". I'm just so eager to meet this little person! However, as I was taking my bath tonight, I realized that I will feel some small vestige of sadness at actually delivering this baby. It doesn't make me any less ready to give birth, or any less excited, but as I watched my baby doing its usual bath time stretching and pushing (Baby loves baths as much as Mom does), I realized that this part of the journey has really been great. And I felt some small regret at how impatient I've been to go into labor. Don't get me wrong, I'm not beating myself up for anything, but I did realize that I want to change my attitude towards the last days of this pregnancy. I really should just enjoy the last days of this special bond with our child. Even if we are blessed with other children, no other pregnancy will be exactly like this one. And no other baby will have exactly THIS personality. So I'm going to try not to wish this time away.

My decision is actually the culmination of about 24 hours of thought and reflection. It was all sparked by a post I saw on the ZZL last night by a man that died of cancer. The post was actually from his blog and contained his thoughts on the championship game last April. It was incredibly moving, because he knew that was the last time that he'd see the Tar Heels play, and to watch them win the national championship was very poignant for him. He wrote about the joy and sadness of such a perfect ending to a lifetime of fandom. It would have brought tears to my eyes in any case, but it was especially incredible to realize that as he struggled to accomplish his last great life task--dying--Tim and I had just realized that we had the opportunity to be parents again. And so life goes on for all of us. For some, like Baby Ewald, that game marked the very beginning of life as a known entity. For others, like LasVegasHeel, it was the final chapter in a story.

Much of life is composed of "waiting", if you think about it. Waiting to be born, waiting to be big enough to stay up late, waiting to find "the one", waiting to find out if you got into "the school", waiting to find "the job", waiting to have children, waiting to die...and so in a way, learning how to wait well is learning how to live well. It doesn't have to be a passive activity, and perhaps shouldn't be passive at all. Perhaps cultivating an active enjoyment of the "in between" moments is really just relishing our own life story.

On a more prosaic note, I'm going to post some pictures of the nursery, which is finally finished! The theme was already chosen for us, since the baby's room had such a beautiful mural in it. However, I love the idea of the "pond scene" in the Land o'Lakes. And Tim and I were married by a lake...so there is a nice symmetry here.

And I'll also post a few shower pictures from my Rochester shower. I haven't seen ANY pictures from my first two showers, but maybe that will change. Hint, hint. :-)