Musings on Humanity, Diapers, and Baby Food

We had a doctor's appt yesterday, mainly to schedule our first trimester testing. We go in for another ultrasound June 5th, exactly one week before we move. I cannot wait to actually SEE this little person.

Ah, moving...one of my least favorite things. It's so hard to dismantle your house and then put it all back together again in a new place. I know, I know, it's supposed to be exciting, and in a lot of ways it is. It's not the "relocation" that bothers me, it's the upheaval. My home is my sanctuary, my place of peace, and it's always hard for me to uproot all that.

I'm sort of singing the blues today, which has me annoyed at myself. I was able to finally extricate myself from a very toxic relationship in my life, which is a GOOD THING. For some reason though, I just feel sad about it today. Not about ending the friendship, because I think that was the right thing to do. I honestly wouldn't want it back if I could have it back. I guess I am just grieving all the ways that people hurt each other...sometimes it seems so senseless.

I have struggled to find a place in my heart for forgiveness for the things this person said and did to me. Forgiveness is not the same thing as reconciliation, which as I said, I don't want and most likely never will. However, I didn't want to carry around a grievance or nurse a grudge either. That's so exhausting and it hurts me more than anyone else. Being angry burns up a lot of energy. I wanted to find a place in my heart to allow this person their flaws. To say "you are human and you messed up a lot and ultimately that is ok because we're going to move on from this as wiser people." I've prayed for this feeling to come, and last night it finally did. It was such a relief, and I found myself praising God for all that I've learned through this experience, good and bad. And for granting me to grace to forgive.

The problem with this is that I guess it stripped away my protective shell of anger and bitterness. Without that righteous indignation, now I just feel the hurt of having someone you once trusted betray you on a very fundamental level. And that part sucks...and I didn't really bargain for it. I'm sure it's a short lived part of the recovery process, or at least that's what I'm telling myself! Anyway, sometimes it just sucks to be human. I don't think many people go out into life trying to hurt other people, and yet somehow we all do it, usually over and over again.

I suppose the good news here is that my life is still full of blessings and GOOD relationships. I mean, seriously, I need to snap out of the Gloomy Gus mode! It helps to write all of this down and make sense of it. I remember in Anne Frank's diary, she says "Paper is patient". Well, so are computer screens. Not to mention much easier on the environment.

OH, and speaking of the environment, we've decided to go with cloth diapers for Small Fry. Except that I tried looking at the diapers online and it's super confusing how many types of diapers there are. Prefolds, inserts, contoured, all in one, covers, doubling up...it's like a new language. I will mostly definitely need a tutorial from Leslie on this one. Even if it's initially more complicated than disposable diapers, I really feel like this is the only responsible thing to do. Disposable diapers are SO BAD for the earth. Not to mention that this is much cheaper, even if you factor in the costs of doing more laundry than usual.

I'm going to be one of those annoying moms that also makes their own baby food. I used to do this with Daria, and it honestly tasted so much better than store bought food, and was much more nutritious. I am excited about getting my food mill already. And Tim and I bought a book of homemade baby food recipes ages ago, the day we decided we were ready to expand our family.

Talking about the baby always makes me more cheerful. I have to remember this.

Saying Goodbye

Last night we said goodbye to our friends Rick and Sandra. They're moving back to the LA area for their residencies. Tim helped Rick move some boxes and Sandra and I chatted ...with Indiana Jones underfoot. Yes, Tim insisted that Rick and Sandra would want to say goodbye to our dog. He may have even been right, since they usually kept Indy when we were out of town. I'm sure they're excited to move back home and start a new phase of their lives, but I'm sad to see them go.

It feels like the last four years went by so quickly. When we first moved here Tim had a group of guys that formed a study group. They spent a lot of time together preparing for tests during their first two years at Drexel. Years 3 and 4 were much crazier, with everyone on separate rotations and doing interviews and away rotations...but it's still hard to believe that it's all over. Taylor and Amber are moving to Arizona, Kim and Meegan to Texas, Rick and Sandra to California, Grant to Boston, Rajit is staying here, and of course we're moving to Minnesota.

We'll miss the people, but I'll also miss the city. I have come to love this strange, brash, and lovely city by the rivers. I'll miss working at Biddle, and lunches with Gitte, and the Wissahickon. And West River Drive in the spring...well I'll be depressed if I keep going with this train of thought!

I've finally started making Goodwill boxes and cleaning out closets...we move June 12th, and it's coming up like a freight train! Tim insists that we only need about a week to pack. I respectfully and firmly disagree!

Babywise, I think we are doing just fine. We have an appt tomorrow and hopefully we'll get an ultrasound scheduled so I can actually see living proof of this little person. He/She continues to make his/her presence felt in my relationship to food...I long for the days of hunger and cravings. I don't even mind packing on the pounds as long as the whole "what doesn't disgust me?" phase passes.

Ten Weeks and Hoping

I have a lot of retrospective blogging to do about our trip. I will try to get to that, because I don't want to forget anything about it. AND our house, which I also haven't written about yet, mostly because it still seems sort of "theoretical" and not like an actuality yet.

First though, I have to write about the baby. I thought we were losing this precious one. I was at work Weds. afternoon and I headed to the bathroom for yet another pee break. I was bleeding. Just a little bit, not even really enough to be called "bleeding" so much as spotting, but it was alarming. I went back to my desk and tried to work and think it out. Then I started having cramps an hour or so later. I checked and the bleeding was continuing. At this point, I just went numb. I called Tim, asked him to get to me asap, and left work. We went to the ER.

While waiting to be seen, I felt totally shocked. I was in tears, but I was also paralyzed with dread. I couldn't even begin to articulate what I was feeling...I was afraid to put it into words, afraid to think about what might be happening. Tim was wonderful, very comforting and protective. He kept telling me that bleeding can happen for any number of reasons and it doesn't have to mean miscarriage. I could tell he was scared, but also that the baby and I were foremost in his mind. I can't imagine what it would have been like without him.

I got my blood taken, had a physical exam, and an ultrasound. There was a lot of waiting in between all of these things. A LOT of waiting. I felt better after the physical exam, because the PA, Laura, seemed encouraged by the fact that my cervix was closed and there wasn't a lot of active bleeding. Then the blood work came back and my HCG levels were exactly where they should be. By the time we FINALLY got taken up to ultrasound I felt more hopeful that the baby would be alive.

While lying there though, I was absolutely terrified. I kept remembering how awful it was to see my first baby on the screen without a heartbeat. I could barely breathe. I couldn't see the ultrasound screen at all, so I just watched Tim's face. He looked very concerned and near tears, so I said "It's bad?" and he said "No". I asked if he could see the heartbeat and he said "Not yet, but I see the baby." At this point I was lying there with my whole soul shrieking for God to let us see the heartbeat. I didn't even have words for the prayer, it was just a total body/heart/mind/soul union of this one feeling, this one plea for the baby to be alive. Then Tim said "I think I see it...I can't be sure, but it's a rythmic motion." I closed my eyes and thought "Thank you, God" in the most profoundly thankful prayer of my entire life.

Of course, right after that I realized how badly the ultrasound hurt. I honestly don't think I even noticed the pain until that point. The remainder of the ultrasound was not pleasant. I felt like a stopped up sink with a beefy plumber shoving rods around inside my pipes. I remember thinking "well if I wasn't miscarrying before, I probably will now!" Mercifully, the ultrasound ended and I was able to go back to the room to wait.

And wait we did, for hours more until the radiologist came in and interpreted the results for us. He said that we did have a live pregnancy, but that I had a subchorionic hemorrhage. They were calling me a threatened miscarriage and said I needed to rest as much as I could and just wait and see. I have to confess, I had been feeling kind of embarrassed after my ultrasound, like everything was fine and I totally overreacted. To hear that I was still a threatened miscarriage was a shock. I started crying again, mostly because everything wasn't 100% all right. Fortunately I calmed down quickly because the most important thing was that the baby was still alive. AND we found out from the ultrasound that the baby is actually two days older than we estimated. So that's nice, it's that much closer to my second trimester.

I keep thinking of the second trimester as this elusive and cherished benchmark at which point I will stop worrying. I realize that is highly unlikely in reality. Until I can feel this baby moving and kicking, I will probably worry that something has happened to the baby. Or if not worry, at least wonder. I guess maybe the second trimester seems so attractive because I haven't gotten there yet! I thought we were on the cusp of that last time, with Abe, and it turns out that we'd lost him a few weeks before. I suppose the shock of that...of losing a baby for weeks and having no idea...is what makes me so nervous now.

My next appointment is on Friday. I've thought many times about asking to come in earlier, but I think I just have to force myself to wait. There is a reason that they want me to wait a certain number of days to follow up. I just have to trust my doctor on this one.

And of course I have to trust God. I don't know quite how this works, God-wise. If I believe that God has a plan, and this is part of it...well that's all to the good if the baby survives. If the baby doesn't make it, that makes me want to fight God like Jacob did...to really roll around in the dirt with Him and wrestle Him all night long. I have certainly done that before, mentally, but I'd just like to hit Him if he allows this to happen again. That's not exactly a popular Christian sentiment, but I don't really care. I will find a way to praise God in the depths of any sorrow, but gosh, I'd really like to reach out to him in joy too. Even Jesus prayed that God might let this cup pass from him, if it was God's will. I don't have any problem begging for the cup of grief to pass us by, especially for the sake of this baby. I think God understands that, especially because I ultimately understand this is not ONLY my baby. The baby belongs to itself and to God before it belongs to me and Tim. All I can do is be a good caretaker and try to raise a person with a seeking heart, an open mind, a generous spirit, and a healthy body.

Oh, how I love this child.