Two Weeks Already

I can't believe that our sweet little Addiebell has been in our life for two weeks. In some ways it feels like she has always been with us, and in others, it's hard to believe that she is already two weeks old.

I'm sure all parents feel this way, but Addie is truly wonderful. She is so strong and alert ...and has no problem staying awake for hours. Seriously...she can stay awake for three, four, five hours at a stretch, just hanging out with us and taking in the world. I already feel some small Mommy pangs for the sleepy little swimmer that was born two weeks ago, because Adelaide is adjusting so well to life "out here". That's a GREAT thing of course, but I do miss her sleepy little water ballet movements...where it was obvious she expected more resistance to her motions than air was capable of giving her...and her deep, deep, newborn sleeps.

The flip side is that our little baby is becoming ever more capable of interacting with us. She watches us talk and moves her little mouth too. She loves Patty Cake and "Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes" and sitting up. She still hates changing her clothes and sponge baths. Her cord stump did fall off today, so soon enough she'll take her first "real" bath, and perhaps she will be more into that. Perhaps.

It is freezing here, and I feel some sort of residual evolutionary guilt for birthing my child in such an inhospitable season! The highs are in the single digits and let me tell you...it is NOT easy to excavate a breast from all these layers. However, since Addie is nursing every two hours, I've had to get fairly proficient at the partial strip. She is sleeping pretty well...only really waking to nurse...and the only real "difficulty" we're having is that Addie refuses to sleep in her bassinette thus far. She'll sleep in her car seat and in her swing and in bed with us. The "in bed with us" part is definitely a slippery slope because it is SO nice to cuddle with her in our bed. I can see why people get stuck with a seven year old in their bed ...it's just so cozy. However, I'm writing this down so I can remind myself that we ARE NOT letting Addie sleep with us indefinitely. :-)

CiCi (my mom!) has been here, and that's been a huge help. I'm not sure what it is about becoming a mother that makes you desperately want your own mom, but that has certainly been the case with me.

Speaking of Moms, I can hear Addie stirring so I'm going to cut this short. I could write about my child all day long...if she didn't need to eat. ;-)

Addie's Birth Story

I've been wanting desperately to write down the story of Addie's birth, but I've also been sort of reluctant to tackle it. It was an undeniably arduous experience...I'm sure labor always is...and it really couldn't have gone LESS to our plan. It's been hard to talk about it without getting emotional, but I do want to record what happened, how I feel about it, and also what I think I've learned. And most importantly, I of course want to talk about Addie and how amazing she really is.

I went into labor at about 4:30 in the morning on the 16th. I got up and tidied up the house a little bit, re-checked our hospital bags, and started timing contractions. They were about 8 minutes apart at this point and strong enough that I needed to concentrate on breathing through them. I took a shower, which had always previously stopped any contractions that I'd had. These continued to increase in frequency and strength, so I woke Tim up at around 7 and asked him to start getting ready. By 8:00, I was resting on the bed for the contractions and really concentrating on breathing through them. They were five minutes apart at this point, and at 8:10 AM, I literally heard and felt my water break. That pretty much cemented the whole "this is real" thing, so we finished up around the house and made our way into the hospital at around 9:30 AM.

Up until this point, I felt really calm. In retrospect, this was the best part of my labor. I was definitely in pain and definitely needed to focus all of my attention on breathing and relaxing through the pains. Nonetheless, I felt good...very focused and calm.

The process of checking into the hospital, however, really disturbed me. It wasn't that anything was done badly, it was just that my whole practice of hypnobirthing was predicated on a very calm and relaxed environment. Suddenly I was in a place where I couldn't control anything and I couldn't even lie down through my pains at first. I definitely started to panic. The bathroom was really far away, and I was hooked up to a fetal monitor that inhibited my ability to lie in the position I felt most comfortable being in. Once I was out of "the zone" everything seemed much more painful. My contractions were two minutes apart at this point and literally off the charts in terms of strength. I thought "oh well, I must be making some real progress at least" and thought I could hang on until things calmed down.

The midwife checked me and said I was 4.5 cm dilated and that it would probably take me about an hour per cm. This is pretty much when my wheels fell off. I thought "oh my goodness, I cannot do this for five more hours with all these people rushing about" ...I basically completely panicked. Needlessly, as it turned out, because by 12:30, I was already at 8 cm. Essentially, I thought I was at the very beginning and it was going to get much worse...when in reality, that was the peak of how "bad" the pain was going to be. However, this being my first time...there was really no way for me to know that in advance.

At any rate, I got an epidural and that turned out to be detrimental to my labor. This is where I feel like things were handled badly by the hospital. No one asked me what my goal was with the epidural, or if I'd ever had a weird history with any type of anesthesia. They basically knocked that baby right out of the park. I couldn't feel a thing or even move my legs. This is when my contractions started falling off in intensity and frequency. Apparently they were supposed to be testing my level of feeling with ice or alcohol strips. That never happened. I wasn't called complete until 6:30. This means that it took around six hours to get my final two centimeters.

I started pushing then...but I wasn't making much progress. In retrospect, it's not surprising, because again, I couldn't feel ANYTHING or move anything. The midwife suggested that I take Pitocin, but I was against this type of intervention. I asked them to turn down the epidural at this point. However, I'd already been pushing uselessly for an hour and a half. I did have my only period of productive pushing here, but again, my contractions weren't incredibly strong or regular. Eventually, they gave me Pitocin to help my contractions strengthen. This caused the relentless awful Pitocin contractions that everyone dreads, but I did seem to make some more progress pushing. However, it hurt like the dickens, and I was utterly exhausted. After three and half hours, the midwives called in the OB team to evaluate the situation.

They decided that Addie was far enough down the birth canal that forceps might be helpful. So I was taken to the delivery room and asked to push with the forceps. That was all well and good, but they turned the epidural back up in order to use the forceps....and I was back to the useless pushing. Not to mention being seriously disturbed at two full grown men yanking on my child's head with all their might. I'm pretty sure this is when I started crying, because I knew what was coming.

Sure enough, they decided I needed a C section, since Addie's heart rate was showing some distress. They tried numbing me through the epidural but that didn't work either...as we discovered when they started cutting. That was highly unpleasant. So I was knocked out and intubated for Addie's actual birth. Tim had to leave for that part, which was also really upsetting.

Adelaide Campbell Ewald was born via C section at 10:42 PM...nearly 18 hours after my labor first started.

When I came to about an hour later, I was very out of it, but I was filled with profound relief that Addie was all right...and surprise that she was a girl! I remember trying really hard to focus on her, and having great difficulty doing so....but noticing right away that she had Tim's eyes. I also have vague memories of people holding Addie up to me to feed and someone literally holding my breast in her mouth so that she could eat. I'm really glad that they did that, but again, her first feeding is kind of hazy in my mind.

I do feel a lot of ...distress...at how stressful and painful our labor was. However, I am trying to focus on the fact that we are both totally fine. The outcome is the important part. And the outcome is so wonderful in this case.

I do have a lot of grief though, and I think I sort of have to give myself permission to feel grief over what happened. I wasn't actually "present" for my baby's birth. I didn't hear that first cry, didn't see her emerge into the world, and don't even really remember her first feeding. That's completely heartbreaking. Is it the MOST important thing? No, clearly her health was the main goal, but it was certainly AN important thing, at least to me. And I am most definitely not happy about how the labor and delivery progressed. It's confusing, because it feels somehow like saying that means that I'm unhappy with her. Nothing could be farther from the truth...but I do feel like our experience was not the positive one Tim and I truly hoped for.

Recovery was pretty wretched. I basically had to recover from the nearly four hours of hard vaginal labor, forceps, and a c section. Three labors, in essence. I was horrified by how many pads, bandages, pills, and tubes it took just to hold me together. I was hugely swollen with fluids...so much so that I weighed more after delivery than before it, despite a nearly nine pound baby and placenta and such. I've never before been seriously ill or injured and it was a shock to my system to be so weak and in so much pain. I did not really enjoy my hospital stay...for physical reasons, but also because it was NOT restful. We actually left early despite the battered shape I was in...recovery was just much easier at home.

They officially called Addie's birth a case of "cephalo-pelvic disproportion" or CPD. Essentially, they were saying that her head was too large for my birth canal. However, I have no idea whether or not this is actually the case. Addie's head isn't huge. The surgeon said that I was a "good candidate for vaginal delivery"...meaning that I don't have an abnormally small pelvic opening. Maybe it was the case that I was never going to be able to deliver Addie naturally...or maybe it was a case of interventions leading to a cascade of interventions.

At any rate, should we be so lucky as to have another child, I am even more firmly resolved to labor naturally. If I end up with a C section again, so be it, but I am not at all confident that we truly were a case of CPD.

I AM confident that I ended up with a strong and wonderful baby. Adelaide is a joy. Tim and I might have been somewhat scarred by her birth (me, literally!) but her presence is nothing but a blessing. I'd go through the whole thing again, even knowing how tough it was, and I don't say that lightly. She was worth it.

She's here!

Welcome to the world, baby girl! Adelaide Campbell Ewald was born on December 16th at 10:42 PM. She weighed in at 8 lbs, 11 oz and was 20.75 inches long. She was born wonderful and has stayed that way for the whole first week of her life. :-)

Adelaide, Addie, Addie Bell, Laide-y Bug...no matter what I call her, it all equals joy. She is a beautiful little girl, and SUCH a personality. She loves eating. She makes this satisfied little grunt when she latches on and likes to fall asleep nursing. When I try to detach her, she does what I call the "barnacle" and wraps herself tightly around my stomach with a determined little noise like "no way, I'm not done yet". She has the sweetest and funniest facial expressions....she smiles in her sleep (she has a dimple!) and does what we call her "Zoolander" face...pursed lips and raised eyebrows. She likes sitting up to look at the world and the Christmas tree. She loves sleeping on our chests and makes the funniest little cooing and gasping noises in her sleep. She really gives it her all.

She dislikes bright lights, doctor's appointments, and changing her clothes. She used to dislike having her diaper changed until I got her a wipes warmer. I decided that I wouldn't want my bum wiped with a cold cloth during the Minnesota winter either!

Tim and I can't believe how much we love our precious little girl already. I am exhausted, but mostly blissful. I've had one emotional breakdown after a loooong night where Addie ate every single hour, but in general, I'm feeling pretty good at this point. Tired, but happy.

All Quiet on the Uterine Front

OK, that's actually not true...the title of this post, I mean. I have been having contractions, sometimes quite uncomfortable ones, but no "true" labor yet. For the last hour I've actually been feeling a lot of discomfort with the cramps, but it's too soon for me to tell whether or not this is another practice go or THE beginning of the real thing.

It's funny, I can already tell that contractions aren't going to feel at all like I thought they would. I'm not sure what I thought they would be like, but I think I underestimated the sheer all-encompassing, total body effort that labor will require. It's not just enduring the cramping of a huge muscle...which would be tough in any case. So far, contractions feel like this sort of incredible grinding deep in the very pit of your body which requires all of your attention. And this clenching dull ache is also affecting everything else...lower back, thighs, intestines, stomach...which tend to sort of clench in sympathy. It's very early though, so my impressions might be subject to change. I can see that breathing and really working on relaxation (there's an oxymoron) are going to be important. Thank heavens for the hypnobirthing practice.

In other news, we survived our huge blizzard without any ill effects. Our neighbors were flat out awesome...they came over and shoveled out the drive and the sidewalk for me, since Tim was on call for the 30 or so hours of the blizzard. They also gave me their numbers and insisted that they would get me to the hospital if I needed to go. Fortunately, I didn't have to use those numbers, but it was such a relief to have a reliable back up plan. Particularly one that didn't involve me trying to pilot the Audi through two feet of unplowed snow while in active labor!

Tim and I went to a holiday party for the Orthopedic Department last night and had a wonderful time with all of our friends. I felt like a small orca ...blubbery in my black and white....but everyone was very kind and it was nice to get out and think about something besides when we're going to get to meet our baby. I'm trying to stay as busy as possible to make the time pass quickly. My friend Rebecca had her daughter three weeks ago, and she advised me to remember how much quieter they are in the womb! So true. I'm sure that when I'm staggering about in exhaustion, I'll wonder why I was in such a hurry to deliver!

Baby is still snug and safe inside Mom aka me. I have been having some contractions, but nothing that makes me feel like I'm really approaching labor. At least thus far.

Today I am actually grateful for that, however, since we are being slammed with quite a blizzard outside. I fully admit to being intimidated by the sheer amount of snow that is falling. Tim wasn't even able to drive our car to work today, given that there was at least two feet of unplowed snow in the road. Andi is game, but not that game. Fortunately, our neighbor, Mike, was able to drive Tim into work today in his pickup truck. Heavens only knows how he will get home, but I guess we will cross that bridge when we get there. I am definitely praying that SmallWald will stay quiet today and until the roads are easily traveled again.

Tim and I took the dogs for a walk last night. There was already a fair amount of snow (perhaps 6 inches?) and the wind was really blowing, but it was still fun. The snow was so fine that it was almost like rain or mist. The dogs enjoyed themselves immensely for the first part of the walk, although they were definitely ready for shelter by the time we got back home. Tim and I ate clementines and enjoyed the particular quiet that snow brings. The Christmas lights were all sporting veils of snow, which brought an almost candle like softness to the light. It was lovely.

We got back inside and had quite the time drying off Indy and Rocky. Rocky, in particular, was absolutely caked with snow. He had huge chunks of it caught in his fur, and did a great impression of a "pitiful abused puppy" for a few minutes until it fully melted. Then he was off to the races again.

When I let the dogs out this morning, they weren't even sure what to do. Indy desperately wanted to go the yard, but he couldn't clear the snowbanks. They were forced to do their business on the shoveled part of the driveway/sidewalk and Indy was MOST indignant about this development. Kind of like we would be if we were forced to poo beside our toilets, now that I think about it! Rocky could have cared less, he was very businesslike and then he wanted to back inside, pronto.

Keep your fingers crossed that the Baby decides to wait for better weather to make an appearance!

Waiting

So I had another appt today and this time I was 1.5 cm dilated and somewhere between 75% and 100% effaced. I'm hoping it's closer to 100 %, but this isn't a precise science.

And so, I am waiting. More or less patiently, and usually it's "less". I'm just so eager to meet this little person! However, as I was taking my bath tonight, I realized that I will feel some small vestige of sadness at actually delivering this baby. It doesn't make me any less ready to give birth, or any less excited, but as I watched my baby doing its usual bath time stretching and pushing (Baby loves baths as much as Mom does), I realized that this part of the journey has really been great. And I felt some small regret at how impatient I've been to go into labor. Don't get me wrong, I'm not beating myself up for anything, but I did realize that I want to change my attitude towards the last days of this pregnancy. I really should just enjoy the last days of this special bond with our child. Even if we are blessed with other children, no other pregnancy will be exactly like this one. And no other baby will have exactly THIS personality. So I'm going to try not to wish this time away.

My decision is actually the culmination of about 24 hours of thought and reflection. It was all sparked by a post I saw on the ZZL last night by a man that died of cancer. The post was actually from his blog and contained his thoughts on the championship game last April. It was incredibly moving, because he knew that was the last time that he'd see the Tar Heels play, and to watch them win the national championship was very poignant for him. He wrote about the joy and sadness of such a perfect ending to a lifetime of fandom. It would have brought tears to my eyes in any case, but it was especially incredible to realize that as he struggled to accomplish his last great life task--dying--Tim and I had just realized that we had the opportunity to be parents again. And so life goes on for all of us. For some, like Baby Ewald, that game marked the very beginning of life as a known entity. For others, like LasVegasHeel, it was the final chapter in a story.

Much of life is composed of "waiting", if you think about it. Waiting to be born, waiting to be big enough to stay up late, waiting to find "the one", waiting to find out if you got into "the school", waiting to find "the job", waiting to have children, waiting to die...and so in a way, learning how to wait well is learning how to live well. It doesn't have to be a passive activity, and perhaps shouldn't be passive at all. Perhaps cultivating an active enjoyment of the "in between" moments is really just relishing our own life story.

On a more prosaic note, I'm going to post some pictures of the nursery, which is finally finished! The theme was already chosen for us, since the baby's room had such a beautiful mural in it. However, I love the idea of the "pond scene" in the Land o'Lakes. And Tim and I were married by a lake...so there is a nice symmetry here.

And I'll also post a few shower pictures from my Rochester shower. I haven't seen ANY pictures from my first two showers, but maybe that will change. Hint, hint. :-)

The End is Beginning and the Beginning is Ending!

By which title I mean that the labor process is in its very early stages, and so my pregnancy is slowly drawing to a close. However, the labor is...of course...only the beginning of an entirely new type of journey with this little one as a being totally separate from me.

I went in for an appointment on Friday the 27th and they told me I was 50% effaced and 1 cm dilated! I was completely thrilled because I haven't noticed any "activity" at all, so it was nice to get a whole cm under my belt (pun intended) without any discomfort at all. One down, nine to go! I have noticed some cramping since then, but it's not anything like regular or painful yet. It's encouraging to think that I might go into labor early, as I really want to meet this little person as soon as possible.

We're totally ready on the material end of things, except for a swing. The nursery is done, the baby's bathroom is 99% ready (we have a towel bar and toy holder to hang) and the baby has a closet and dresser full of newborn clothes waiting for it.

Physically, I am getting pretty darn uncomfortable. My feet and hands are fat and swollen, and my fingers ache a lot. I have carpal tunnel of pregnancy from the pressure on my nerves and my feet go numb really easily. It's nothing serious, it's just a relatively large baby blocking the blood flow in a relatively small person. It's difficult to get in and out of bed ...or a chair...or the car...anything, really. That isn't surprising, considering that I've gained FREAKING 39 POUNDS for my pregnancy. It's so hard for me to believe, especially considering that the midwives don't think this is a behemoth baby. They're estimating around seven pounds, which is relief when I think about delivering. However, it's also kind of like ...what the heck are the other 32 pounds???? Mostly jowls, sausage fingers, hobbit feet, and belly, as far as I can tell. :-)

Mentally, I think Tim and I are as ready as we can be for something that is going to change our lives. In terms of the labor, I'm practicing my hypnobirthing breathing and visualizations and I have confidence that those lessons are going to be helpful when labor starts. Tim has done some reading too, and I think he feels slightly less sure what his role is going to be, but he's good at thinking on his feet. He'll adjust to my mood, whatever it may be! Hopefully not TOO irritable or hard to deal with!

One disappointing development is that because of the H1N1 pandemic, no one is allowed to visit us in the hospital. The midwives are trying to put a positive spin on it, just saying it will be nice to have alone time for our family, but we're definitely a bit bummed out. We were looking forward to the visits to help us pass the hospital time. It's not like a hospital is ever going to be a truly restful place anyway, so you might as well have the fun of visitors and especially family. My mother in law was like "I have to wait three days to see the baby?!?!?" which we got a good laugh out about, but it IS a little bit sad.


In other news, Rocky is doing great. He is improving on his house training (thank heavens) and his obedience. He and Indy have a great time together, and he's really a lovable little chap. He has quite the personality, and is very insistent upon his schedule and his share (or more than his share) of the attention. I have no idea how the dogs will react to the baby, but I'm hoping their adjustment period doesn't take too long.

Our Thanksgiving was fabulously full of food and family. This was the first Thanksgiving we've ever spent with Tim's side of the family, and it was really nice. It was especially nice to see some of his cousins that we haven't seen for a while. Their kids are growing up so fast! It's a reminder to use to really savor each moment with our baby, because he or she is bound to change so quickly.

29 Years!

Well, I'm a year older now, although I don't know that I'm any wiser! One can dream.

My birthday was great. It was such a treat to have Kristin visit. She's a trooper...six weeks in Egypt, about 24 hours at home, and then she was off again to visit me in exotic Minnesota. That's love. :-) Tim was very sweet also, getting me flowers and a cake, despite the fact that he had ZERO free time leading up to my birthday. He woke me up on my birthday with somewhere around 29 kisses, which might have been my favorite present of all. And my friend Diana got me a cake as well, which we had at a gathering of friends here in Rochester. So there was a lot of cake, which is a great thing. And Diana got me a great shirt that said "watch out, this thing is about to explode" ..obviously referring to my belly. It was a trip.

In other belly news, it's a-growin'. I'm starting to get pretty uncomfortable with the extra weight and the strength and vigor of the baby. Don't get me wrong, I'm passionately grateful for a healthy and active baby, but it's starting to wear on me. Labor is starting to look very attractive. In fact, this very morning I discovered that my hands are swollen like a cartoon character's ...and my engagement ring is still on. I'm a little bit worried about this, and I'm definitely planning on wrestling it off asap. It seems like another sign that the baby is becoming ready for a life independent of me.

It's hard to believe that I've got 29 years on this little one. On one hand, it seems like an amazingly small amount of time and experience to be entrusted with preparing someone else for a lifetime. On the other, my 29 years have been rich with experiences and blessings. I hope that Tim and I are "ready" for this incredible joy and responsibility, but I'm not sure that anyone is ever fully prepared for it. I think it's something that we'll figure out as we go. And, as with most lessons, we will learn more fully ourselves as we attempt to teach our child.

I'm so excited to meet this baby. I can't wait to be able to hold our baby and kiss its little mouth and hands and just...KNOW...them. Right now, it's all possibility. It might be a girl or a boy, it might be a quiet and "thoughtful" baby, or a loud and rambunctious little one...it might be anything. Roly poly or tiny, a good sleeper (please Lord) or a cat napper...anything at all. The only thing I'm sure of is that the baby belongs with us and that we love him or her. We just can't wait to get to know this little person of ours.

The Newest Ewald

No, not the baby! Thank heavens, the baby seems to be content to wait these last 8 weeks out! This Ewald has fur. Introducing...drum roll please....Rocky Balboa!

Our newest little addition is half Shih Tzu, half mini poodle...making him a Shih Poo. Yes, that is really what they're called. You can't make this kind of thing up! He's very endearing and very cuddly, with a personality that is already very distinct from Indy's. He's SUPER dramatic...he thinks nothing of wailing and crying when he doesn't get his way. However, he's also pretty much fearless. For instance, he started managing all the steps in our house on the first day he came home...just screaming the entire time he went down them. It was hilarious. He launches himself from incredible heights (for a puppy) and likes to RUN to his food bowl and dive in head first. He also doesn't mind climbing into the bowl entirely in pursuit of food. He likes to cuddle and he worships Indiana Jones...as evidenced by his constant harassment of Indy's ears and tail.

Indy seems to be liking "his" new dog, for the most part. He definitely does get irritated with him at times, but he also really enjoys playing with him. They roll around together, chase each other, and nap together, which is really sweet. Indy is also a great big brother, and is really showing Rocky the ropes as far as house training and walking on the leash. Rocky picked up on both of those things very quickly.

His most problematic trait to date is his tendency to dislike sleeping all night in his crate. The last few nights have gone much better in that regard than the first few! We discovered that the key SEEMS to be a night light...if he can see where he is and see us, he doesn't seem to protest as much. He gets up once at night to go out, and I take care of that so that Tim can sleep. Rocky used to protest going back into his crate very loudly and at great length, which was not at all OK with us. Being jerked out of sleep in the middle of the night by piercing yowls and yelps is not calculated to win many hearts. But, as I said, recent nights have shown some improvement, which is really all you can ask for!

We do love our little Rock Star already and I'm really glad that we decided to go ahead and take the plunge. I think most of our circle thinks we're absolutely insane, but it honestly is working out for the best for Indiana Jones. And the fact that we love the little guy too is just a bonus.

Some pics of the rascal...his face looks so solemn in repose, in great contrast to his personality...

All continues apace at the Ewald household. The baby is wonderful...kicking hard and delighting me every single day. We've discovered that if I press my belly to Tim's back, he can feel the baby moving almost like I feel it. It's so great to hear him giggle and laugh at the baby's antics. I've often wished he could carry the baby for a day or so, just to experience it...although I would hate to be parted from our baby for any time at all!

I had a check up on Thursday, and I am still growing well and feeling good. I got my hair cut today and the lady was astonished that I was in my third trimester. Sometimes that worries me. I did ask the midwife about it and whether or not I was growing properly. She assured me that I am just fine and the baby is just fine, and that my "small" size is due to having a long torso. Instead of a big jutting out basketball, I have a more of a long swell of stomach. She said that was good, and that I had a good body for having children. So I feel much better now!

I've been reading my list of blogs that I "follow" and I'm really blown away by how much love there is in our world.

It's so easy to focus on all of the many problems in our country...and I do think it's important to talk about our country's issues and find ways to solve them. However, for all of the the things we HAVE NOT yet fixed...healthcare, homelessness, addiction, broken homes, an obsession with material possessions, the existence of duke fans ;-) (yes, the last one is a joke!) ...we do so many things well.

The blogs that I follow are all written by "ordinary" people. By this I mean that they're not celebrities or powerful figures in government, finance, or culture. They're all women, all married, most with children, just trying to figure out life and love and parenting. And yet there is an incredible amount of hope and goodwill in their messages. It's really inspiring. The ordinary people are mostly GOOD people. And I think that's great.

As far as life in Chez Ewald, we're doing well. Baby is still active and strong and incredibly loved.

Tim is doing well...he works hard, but he is learning a lot and getting used to being a full fledged doctor. His schedule hasn't been too terrible thus far and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it will remain bearable.

I'm practicing my hypnobirthing techniques and getting better at calming my "Monkey Mind". I'm so fascinated by the birthing process, and I'm learning so much about the amazing design of our bodies. I'm one of those people that really needs to understand what is happening in order to feel comfortable, so this kind of preparation is key for me. And truly, the more I learn about the complex physiology of labor, the more excited I am to experience it.

I know that sounds halfway crazy...in our culture, we're taught to avoid pain at all costs. But I really am looking forward to the experience. I don't think I'm naive...I expect it to hurt beyond anything I've ever felt before. I expect to writhe, cry, groan, possibly puke, possibly scream, maybe even (shudder) tear down there...but I also expect to be 100% elated at the end of it when I meet our baby. I get emotional thinking about the moment when Tim and I finally get to see this little person we've wanted to know for so long. I feel so lucky to be experiencing all of this. It wasn't so long ago that I was beginning to fear that I would never have a child naturally. Thank you, God, for having other plans!

Food for Thought

So I promised to write a bit about my musings on food. Recently I've been studying food production and consumption. It's amazing how little most Americans know about their food supply. We are so divorced from our means of production. And the more I learn, the more I'm trying to change my own little family's food culture.

Most people have no idea that they're eating food grown out of season and very far away. And that we've sacrificed taste and variety for foods that are uniform looking and easily packaged. We've learned to value appearance over taste in food. And we've lost many heirloom varietals of fruits, vegetables, and grains.

And meat...good heavens! Our meat is unhealthier than ever...both literally for the animal, and most definitely for us. Meat grown in Concentrated Animal Feeding Operations (CAPOs) is literally making us sick...and is cruel to the animals kept in these operations.

Other people have written far more eloquently and informatively about these issues than I ever could. Michael Pollan (In Defense of Food and The Omnivore's Dilemma) and Barbara Kingsolver (Animal, Vegetable, Miracle) are especially good for the layperson.

That's all preface to saying that I'm trying to develop a little more of a "locavore's" attitude towards eating. And I'd also like to be more independent, able to make staples on my own. Towards that goal, I've been baking my own bread. My flour is more or less local (an advantage to living in the Midwest) and it's surprisingly easy...and very satisfying. I feel sort of like I'm recovering a lost skill.

I'd eventually like to branch out to having local grass finished meats in a chest freezer, learning how to can things in season, and making my own cheeses. However, every journey starts with a single step and mine is bread. And I think that was a good choice. It's not difficult and it smells really good. Plus, it is impressive out of all proportion with the actual effort it takes to make it!

I don't think it's practical for everyone to make everything for themselves. After all, some folks just don't have time. But since I do have the time, I'm happy to make myself useful to my family in as many ways as I possibly can.

28 Weeks and Counting

I can't believe how quickly time...and my pregnancy...are flying by. I haven't posted in a while and I'm thinking about trying something new. I'm going to try to post before bed at night. I think it might be a therapeutic way to empty my sometimes spinning mind before sleep...and my best intentions aside, I am just not a morning person. I can get up early when I have to, but I'd vastly prefer not to get up early at all. And should I be up, I'm sure as heck not going to be posting many insightful things on my blog!

Baby Ewald seems to be doing great. He/She (Shem, as my Rochester friends call the baby) is very active and vigorous. I was actually up until 1:30 the night before, literally unable to sleep because of all the uterine acrobatics. That's what I get for eating Halloween Oreos and milk before bed. Speaking of eating, my weight is right where it should be...20 pounds! Hard to believe...sometimes I pass mirrors and think "wow...I'm huge" but it always pleases me. And I never fail to smile at all the little punches, kicks, flips, and stretches. There's one right now in fact. Some of them are suprisingly strong, actually elicting an "oof" or something similar.

I love it though. In fact, as excited as I am to meet this little person, I know part of me will miss having the baby inside of me. This way, we're always together. As soon as the baby is born, I know it will be its own person...dependent on me though it may be!

Speaking of birth, I've been doing a lot of studying and thinking about labor and childbirth. I've decided to go with a natural childbirth, if possible. I have a lot of reasons for this, some practical, some more esoteric. Obviously the most important thing is the health of the baby and the mother. If my baby needs to get out quickly, I want that to happen asap...that's the real goal after all...a healthy child. Even when natural childbirth is physically possible, I don't think it is for everyone, and let's be honest, it's not like you get a medal for doing it drug free! Why do it then?

Well, for me, the answer to that question has a lot to do with wanting a fair number of children (at least in theory!). Interventions like epidurals and inducement drugs often lead to further interventions ...episiotomies, forceps, c sections...mostly resulting from an inability to feel what the body is doing and a failure to push properly. I also believe that we women were designed for childbirth. Studying the actual hormonal processees of childbirth has given me a new respect for our bodies and God's design. I really want to experience the whole spectrum...the slow opening of the body, followed by intense pushing, and the rush of the finished birth.

I know it will hurt and I'm trying to prepare for that through meditation and practicing techniques to help my body work with the pain instead of against it. In our culture, we believe that having pain is something to be avoided, and 9 times out of 10 that's likely true. In this case, however, the pain isn't signaling "injury" to our bodies, it's actually very powerful energy. We're not comfortable with some of the more amazing things our bodies can do, and those things are often accompanied by interesting sensations that we call "pain". Sometimes we need a better word. After all, I remember running miles for soccer practice back in high school and my body hurt...but in an awesome way. I'm trying to approach labor in the same mindset. Like I'm going to be experiencing some really powerful and tiring sensations ...but with an amazing pay off. Sadly, it's not great legs this time....but incredibly, it is a baby. It doesn't get much better than that!

I've also been thinking a lot about food lately. I'll have to post more about that later, since my laptop is spontaneously shutting itself down in 2:57, apparently. Technology. What if I don't care about these updates and don't WANT to shut down? Clearly, lappy doesn't give a darn. The Rhett Butler of the computer world. To which I say, "Fiddle dee dee", you hunk o wires.

Baby Ewald's newest pictures

Note: the pictures didn't format in the places that I wished them to go, so you'll just have to bear with me and refer back and forth, I guess. I'm still an amatuer blogger, I'm afraid. The order of the pictures as I refer to them is: Proud Dad, Me Looking for a Family Resemblance, Contortionist Baby (with foot near nose...maybe it takes after Aunt Jordan?), Tar Heel Born and Bred, Big Yawn, Profile, and Thumb Sucking.

I just love my baby. Seriously. I wish I could have an ultrasound every day, except that would probably mean something was wrong, so I don't REALLY...but it would be nice if I had a machine at home, a la Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Minus the creepy Scientology part. And being married to Tom Cruise. You get my larger point, I'm sure.

Anyway, our baby is wonderful. I could hardly sleep last night for excitement. They tell you to report to the ultrasound with a full bladder, whicfh all pregnant women know is NOT a problem. The main problem I had was being overly full. I finally went before we left the house, because I was going to be too uncomfortable to enjoy it otherwise. To make up for this, I drank two glasses of Gatorade before I left the house and secretly worried that my inability to resist the siren song of the flush would compromise the ultrasound. I'm happy to report that was not the case at all. Tim later said that was mainly for early pregnancy ultrasounds and that the baby was large enough now for it not to matter. NOW you tell me. I suspect motherhood is just going to be like this for me...a series of worries that I will later find out are totally trivial. I have a feeling I'll be one of those that sterilizes everything her first baby touches, while the second or third child is allowed to eat dirt as long as it isn't TOO near the flowerbeds!

Anyway, back to the star of the show. He/She was endlessly fascinating today. We saw our baby sucking its thumb right away. Tim grabbed my hand because of course, he knew what it was right away. I needed someone to tell me what I was seeing, frankly, but then it was really cute. Our baby has a beautiful little mouth, by the way, with a full bottom lip and a curvy top lip. Here is a shot of the baby sucking its thumb. For those of you that see mostly shadows and blurs like me, what you're seeing goes like this: the arrow is pointing to the lips. This is a side view of the mouth, with the nose on top, and the upper and lower lips parted. The baby's hand is resting on its cheek, at the bottom of the picture, with it's thumb in the corner of its mouth. If you were to strike this pose (VOGUE!!!) you would lay your left hand alongside your face and place your left thumb in your mouth. If that makes any sense at all, I'll be shocked. The other shot is SmallWald's profile.

We also saw the baby grabbing its foot and the umbilical cord. I had a minor heart attack over that one! Oh, AND we saw the baby yawn. It was too precious. I had tears in my eyes and couldn't believe how much I adore this child already. I cannot WAIT to meet this little person. The main reason they do this screen, of course, is to make sure that the baby is healthy.

Below are the shots of the yawn (the top image) and the foot. Tell me THIS isn't a Tar Heel born and bred, just LOOK at that picture perfect team emblem display.

Of course, the main reason that they do all this is so that they can make sure the baby is healthy. I'm so happy to report that our baby looks to be in fantastic shape, and is still measuring out to be a big, healthy boy or girl. And yes, our ultrasound technician does know what sex the baby is, so someone in the world knows whether we are having a boy or a girl. It was REALLY tempting to find out, but I'm glad we are waiting. Finding out who and what this baby is will make our December delivery that much more exciting, I think. Have I mentioned that I'm excited yet?

To celebrate, Tim and I went to the Pizza Hut lunch buffet (ah, Philadelphia restaurants, we hardly knew ye) and then to Babies R Us for the first time! I was really gung-ho about this, but I have to say, we left completely overwhelmed by the sheer amount of STUFF that babies require. Thank goodness for baby showers and E-Bay, right? Our task is a little bit daunting, but also very very (yes, you guessed it) exciting. I'm finally ready to start really preparing for this little person's arrival. Up until this point, a baby has felt more like a strong possibility than a reality. I tended to think in "ifs" and "maybes" ..."if this baby is ok", "if all goes well", "maybe we'll do this" ...but now it feels like WHEN . Like our baby isn't a possibility anymore, but a reality. It's a huge mental shift, and a very welcome one!

Montana 2009: Day 5

Today we drove all around the surrounding area.

BUT FIRST, MAJOR EXCITEMENT!!! I saw my first moose today. Three of them, to be exact. I feel somewhat guilty about this, because Tim has always been perturbed to be the only Ewald not to see a moose in the wild. Now somehow his little Southern belle of a wife has stolen a march on him, and seen not one, but THREE moose in the wild. How does that happen in a fair universe? It's a mystery. By the way, they are huge in person. I was glad to be in the car. I don't think I got a picture of all three of them, as there appeared to be a mom and two calves. The mom was mostly lying down in the tall grass, taking a break while she could, most likely. My pic is of the two calves.

I didn’t take many pictures, because it’s hard to do justice to the scenery from a moving car with a tiny little digital camera. We did see not one, but two, spectacular lakes and went to check out the local ski resort. I’d love to come back and ski sometime. Not when I’m heavily pregnant THIS winter, but maybe another time.
We found a wonderful picnic spot that was very scenic and peaceful and absolutely surrounded by wild sage. It smelled delicious. This picnic was much better than the one the day before, even if Steve did have a run in with the wild sage brush! He was very heroic about his injuries.

In the midst of our driving around, I realized that all the houses looked familiar to me. Oddly enough, this is because of one particular house in NC, on Badin Lake, to be exact. The Jacksons’ neighbor built a cabin beside their lake house out of logs that he flew down from Montana. This cabin had a very bright teal tin roof, which always struck me a somewhat obnoxious color, but now I realize he was just being accurate. The houses in Montana really do have brightly colored tin roofs. So I should apologize to this person for mentally slandering his choice of roof color. Now I say “Well done, way to do the thing all the way!”

This was our last full day at the cabin, and Bonnie and Sylvia actually left that night to go back to Helena. Mary and Steve and I plan to leave the next morning, after cleaning and straightening things up. This trip has been wonderful, but I’m looking forward to being back home. The extremes of weather and terrain have sculpted some incredible scenery and some extremely self reliant people. Native Montanans actually remind me a lot of Mainers…they both live in sparsely populated areas that are incredibly beautiful. I think it makes for a sort of “rugged individualism” that I can’t quite mimic. I appreciate their qualities, but always feel a secret relief to be fleeing back to long showers and easily accessible box stores. I do think it’s worth thinking about how self reliant and competent people here have to be to survive: that’s a skill that many Americans, including myself, have lost or never had. More on this subject later.

Montana 2009: Day 4

We went on a five mile hike today. We drove for about 20 minutes on dirt roads (which is what most of the roads are around here) and then parked at the trail head. We were doing a hike that was around 2.5 miles in and ended at a lake called Fuse Lake. The hike in went through at least three different types of terrain. We walked through some meadows which were filled with luxuriant plants and flowers, then into a pine forest, and by some extremely rocky areas that I presume were the result of rockslides or avalanches, although I can’t swear to it. The lake itself was beautiful, very cold and clear. Unfortunately , it was also the site of a squadron of flying insects: mosquitoes, wasps, and huge nasty black flies. Our picnic lunch was not quite as pleasant as we first envisioned and there was a lot of hasty gulping down on sandwiches while trying to keep moving. The enemy thoroughly routed us from our position and we left in defeat.

The hike was great, and I did really well on the way up. On the way down, I started to feel the jarring of the impact in my lower back, and I was really ready to sit down by the time we were done. We rested for a short while and went into Phillipsburg for dinner and a play. Phillipsburg is a cute little town, with a population of 920 people, according to the sign. It also claims to have the world’s largest candy store, which I find HIGHLY doubtful, but it is still pretty darn impressive, and I may have had a grizzly claw, turtle, and/or piece of fudge or ten. We ate dinner at a pool bar (the table kind, not the swimming kind) I had a DELICIOUS cheeseburger, made of local beef, and tator tots. I can’t even tell you how good those tator tots were. The play was called “Butterscotch” and was a small community theater production. There were only five people in the entire cast, but they did a great job. I was honestly surprised by how good it was! Community theater is something I almost never think about, but nearly always enjoy. I’d love to devote more time to exploring theater back in Rochester, but we’ll see if that happens in reality.

Montana 2009: Day 3

Today Bonnie and I toured the Cathedral of St. Helena and the Capitol before we drove up to the cabin. The Cathedral had lovely stained glass windows and the same air of “I’m beautiful and ponderous and sort of brooding” as most cathedrals do. Like if they were people, they’d be lovely and yet solemn beyond all words, like the rulers of fading kingdoms.

The Capitol was hot as Hades…maybe air conditioning is too Eastern big city for these rugged types. There was much gilding and marbling and frescoing of the proverbial lily and it wasn’t really to my taste.

After our tours, we met up with Sylvia and picked up a trailer hitch for a fishing boat (don’t ask) and drove about two hours west up to the cabin where Mary and Steve were staying. It was a great drive through mountains and valleys. The directions to the cabin were so priceless. They said things like, and I quote, “turn right by the unmarked gravel road past the Anaconda 23 miles sign” and “go over the cattle guard and bear right at the pine meadow” “go to .3 miles and curve left by the timber gate”. I loved it, it felt like an adventure right away.

The cabin itself was incredible, as snug and cozy and wood, wood, wood all around like a ship. The owner and his father made it by hand, which made it even more amazing, a real labor of love. I took some pictures of some of the more interesting details, which I will include here.

We had dinner with J. that night, a gentleman who is the father of Steve’s business friend that owns the cabin. He built most of the main cabin and bunkhouse himself. He was a very capable and independent sort of guy, the kind of person that’s really good with their hands and doesn’t need a lot of company. He used to raise Quarter Horses and he worked as a pick up guy in the rodeos in his youth. He had spent the last six winters in his bunkhouse beside the cabin…and he informed us that it was necessary to start plowing the roads in September. I can’t even imagine living somewhere where the snow starts falling in September. I would think it most get lonely, but I guess people around here find a way to manage. Our dinner, by the way, was yummy. Curried lentils, broccoli with bell peppers, and bbq chicken for the meat eaters, followed by apple crisp for dessert. We also had a bonfire that night, if you can call it that. J. had mentioned that he wanted some brush burned and Steve and Mary zealously hauled over brush until they had a small inferno going. Never mind roasting marshmallows, they could have roasted a bear on that thing. I think Steve had to stay up for about four hours until the embers burned down. Oops.