How far is the East from the West?

There are so many blogging mommies these days. I think it's wonderful. I know from experience with Dillon, Jude, and Aidan that you THINK you would never be able to forget some cute moment, phrase, or look...but all too often we do forget. It must be remarkable to have such a great reminder of your experiences together. I'm definitely going to do this, if I ever get the chance.

It is so hard for me to trust God at this point in my life. I am striving to accept God's plan, which is differing so radically from my own. It is so easy to praise God when He gives, so difficult when He takes away.

Sweet and Sad

Last night, I dreamed about my baby. It's funny, because I always think of ABE as a boy for some reason. However, last night my dream was about a little girl. She had a broad face like Tim's, and blonde curls, and an adorable smile.

She wasn't smiling in my dream, though, she was pitching a fit because I wouldn't let her have more than a half a brownie. I think we were at Barnes and Noble, having a snack in their cafe, and she was seriously pissed. Like her mother, she didn't like to hear "no".

She looked up at me with her little face all screwed up into a grimace, tears just streaming down and said "Moooooooooommmeeeeeee, I really wanna hava wittle bit mowr." And I couldn't help but laugh, she looked so cute, and I said "Love of my life, I can't understand you at all." in a silly voice. The greatest part was that she started laughing when I said that, and I thought, "Thank God for a baby with a sense of humor". Then I stroked her face and kissed her cheek, and she gave me a deliciously chocolately messy kiss on my cheek.

Where is my baby?

Was that the baby I lost? Or one that is yet to come? If something never happens, is it possible to feel empty without it?

Body Wars

They always told us in church that the heart was faithless and not to live your life based on the dictates of emotion. I have always found that to be impossible advice. I don't know how to live without jumping heart first into every situation in my life.

I've fought this battle between heart and head all my life. There are times when my head insists that something is absolutely awful for me, and yet my heart is still invested, so I stick around. Usually I leave only after the situation has exploded in my face. I'm not thinking about just romance here, but also jobs, friendships, etc.

Of course, it's mostly love that I'm thinking about. The problem here is that while hearts change all too often, they don't lie. You always know what you're feeling, even if you hate to admit it to yourself. But if you're supposed to make decisions with your head, then what does that really mean? That you have to convince your heart that it's lying? Don't you know then that the lie is actually in your mind? This is where I get caught up every time.

I guess the answer is that just because you feel something, it doesn't mean that it's "right" for you in every area of your life. I think that's why so many marriages suffer from infidelity these days. We believe that we whatever want must be right to pursue. That we need what we actually just desire.

There used to this song that I liked called "Locked in a Cage" that was all about this man who was pleading to be locked up so that he couldn't betray himself and God. I know exactly how that feels. I want to be held back from doing wrong by any means possible...at the same time, I know I'll be trying to slip my bonds as soon as I can.

How is it possible that my best asset in life, the one and only thing that I do really well, is also my greatest weakness?

"I think there must be something wrong
with me, or wrong with strength, that I would
break my happiness apart
simply for the pleasure of the sound."

--Tony Hoagland

The OP

So I named my blog "A-Muse-Me", but that isn't really a demand for entertainment. I just happen to love the word "muse". I love the sound of it...probably because it's in some of my favorite things...music, amusement, museums. Of course, I also love what it means.

According to Dictionary.com, "muse" can mean several things.

–verb (used without object)

1.	to think or meditate in silence, as on some subject.

2.	Archaic. to gaze meditatively or wonderingly.

–verb (used with object)

3.	to meditate on.

4.	to comment thoughtfully or ruminate upon.

---

—Synonyms 1. cogitate, ruminate, think; dream. 1, 3. ponder, contemplate, deliberate.

–noun

1.

Classical Mythology. a. any of a number of sister goddesses, originally given as Aoede (song), Melete (meditation), and Mneme (memory), but latterly and more commonly as the nine daughters of Zeus and Mnemosyne who presided over various arts: Calliope (epic poetry), Clio (history), Erato (lyric poetry), Euterpe (music), Melpomene (tragedy), Polyhymnia (religious music), Terpsichore (dance), Thalia (comedy), and Urania (astronomy); identified by the Romans with the Camenae. b. any goddess presiding over a particular art.

2.	(sometimes lowercase) the goddess or the power regarded as inspiring a poet, artist, thinker, or the like.

3.	(lowercase) the genius or powers characteristic of a poet.

I especially love the archaic meaning: to gaze meditatively or wonderingly.

My ultimate goal is to spend my life in a state of peace and gratitude for the blessings that surround me every day. I want to live with open eyes, an open mind, and an open heart. I want to "gaze wonderingly" on my life and live from the inside out.

I also like this: "the goddess or the power regarded as inspiring a poet, artist, thinker, or the like. " I should note here that I am not a poet or an artist. I have been known to think occasionally, but I'm really more like "the like" than anything else in that definition! Not that I believe in a literal goddess...I think God is so much bigger than any gender. Growing up as a Christian, though I'm more comfortable with "Him", though I certainly don't see God as a literal man.

Whatever His gender, or lack thereof, I want to know God personally, and abide with Him. I want to thank the "power that inspires" me to love, to give, and to receive.

So while I do want to find my muse, and spend my days musing (in the modern and archaic sense), I also like being amused by others. So feel free to take me literally, and amuse me also. :-)