Five Weeks, Five Days and the Yucks

I've officially entered the "I feel awful" phase of pregnancy. I slept really badly last night, probably because I fell asleep at 9:00 and then woke up starving at 1:30 AM. I had to eat two clementines and read for a bit before I could even think about sleeping again. I then proceeded to have a very uncomfortable sleep for the rest of the night. Fortunately, I had the day off today so I could just rest. I feel what I believe medicine refers to as a "general malaise". I'm tired, achy, cranky, and almost nauseous. I say "almost" because I am still starving, I just have a constant discomfort in my tummy area. So far today I've eaten two Pop Tarts (raspberry, yum), a plum, an enormous bowl of 12 bean soup and two pieces of buttered toast. I can't eat a lot at once, so I just end up eating all day long. And have I mentioned that meat is really skeeving me out right now? Especially chicken. I could tolerate the thought of a hamburger a lot better than the thought of anything chicken related.

I love the thought of being asleep right now, but I really do have to go get some homework done. Only a few more weeks of school left!

Five Weeks, Three Days and a Visit from my Sister

I have to confess, I loooooove the delicious fatigue of early pregnancy. I fall asleep early, wake up fairly early and take a long nap in the afternoon. Best of all, I never feel guilty about it because "it's for the baby". And it is, but I am also in great sympathy with that line of Viviane's in "Divine Secrets..." where she says that "sleep tastes as good as a bacon sandwich." Amen, sister!

Of course, when I'm working, I don't have the luxury of snoozing the day away. And this weekend my lovely little sister Desi came down to visit from NYC, so I had to try to rouse myself somewhat. I didn't tell her that I was pregnant, but if she had ever been around a pregnant person before she would have known instantly. I was moody and easily tired and I was alternately starving/nauseous. I tried to play it down, but I'm not sure I succeeded!

Speaking of telling people, we aren't really talking about this little Bunny until we reach 12 weeks. I'm almost halfway there...but it still feels like a really long time away. At this point, only our mothers and two friends know about the Tiny Tot. I can't imagine that number growing much until we have more confidence that this precious soul will be staying with us for the long run.

It was great seeing Des this weekend. We went hiking up in the Poconos in central PA, in a town named Jim Thorpe. We hiked the "Falls Trail", which Tim and I had done once before. We took Teddy and Indiana Jones with us and they did a great job. We had to hand the dogs off like parcels a few times, to get across some fast moving water and up some fairly steep climbs, but they were little champions about it. The humans did great as well, and enjoyed the beautiful views. I didn't get to take many pictures...Des definitely got better ones. Here a few. The picture to the left is the parking lot where the hike starts. If you look way up in the trees, you can see the top of the waterfall that we hiked up to, it looks like just a tiny smudge of white tucked into the central depression near the top of the picture. The picture to the right is us sitting in front of a nice section of the falls. I'm not sure what we're looking at, but again, like I said, I didn't get great pictures on this trip! I'm hoping to add some of Des' once she gets hers up.

I just watched Leslie's home birth on YouTube and of course I cried like a small child. Truly though, it was so amazing. She was so brave, and working so hard, and Sam...he is HUGE. It's one thing to hear "10 pounds, 2 oz." and another to see his massive (for a baby!) hands. He is really beautiful. And of course, so is Leslie. She is such a warrior. It was also really beautiful to see the love on Lara and Luke's faces. So much intimacy. I know Leslie so well, and yet...I would never have seen those moments without the aid of the camera and the Internet. For all the problems in our modern society, we are also truly blessed in so many ways.

As far as I go, I woke up completely freaking out this morning because I didn't feel crappy. I really worked myself into a state, thinking "What will I do if I lose this baby? I can't bear to start all over again, I can't take that twice." But the truth is, I'm not bleeding at all, I'm still cramping and still eating like a horse, and I'm definitely moody. So I do have symptoms, even if it's not the incontrovertible "proof" of embracing a trash can every day. And it may yet come to that!

I finally calmed down once I got on the train and headed to work. I listened to some music and tried to accept that I am not in control here. I can only do so much...eat, rest, take my vitamins, and pray. And I do pray, quite a lot, mostly for the ability to walk wherever this path leads with grace and gratitude. I am trying to accept that even if I am so blessed as to wake up one day near Christmas with a baby in my arms, even then that baby won't truly belong to ME. He or she will belong to God and to themselves. It is only given to us to safeguard them and nurture them for a little while and to share their life for as long as possible. That is such a wonderful privilege and responsibility and I am so so eager to be given an opportunity to cherish and shape a life.

If I could just maintain this state of calm...!!!!

I'm so hungry. Just today I've had one Pop Tart (Brown Sugar and Cinnamon), a glass of apple juice, four slices of pizza, one Sprite, two bottles of water, pasta, honey roasted peanuts, cheese and crackers, a bag of popcorn and a cherry DP (yes, that has caffeine, but it sounded SO good). Good grief, forget morning sickness, I have the morning noon and night munchies. I don't remember this happening last time.

I do get tired really easily, so I'm very appreciative of my new work schedule. And I'm having some light cramping, nothing painful and no spotting or anything like that. The cramps are apparently just your uterus growing or preparing to grow. My first appt. is April 21st and Tim is going with me. Heartfelt prayers that all is well with this little one.

I joined an online pregnancy group for other people who have babies due in mid to late December. One of the girls found out today that she is miscarrying and it really brought Abe's loss back to me. Life feels like such a fragile thing. Please, please, please may this precious little one stay with us!

In other news, Leslie had Sam yesterday! He was HUGE and she delivered him totally naturally at home. What a superwoman! She has always been so determined, she truly has an indomitable will.

Des is coming down this weekend with her dog Teddy and we're supposed to go hiking. Hopefully all that will work out. Tim and I need to get some hikes in prior to our trip out West or we will be COOKED after the first day out there!

Oh I forgot to add, we were lucky enough to go to Longwood Gardens today with our dear friends Rick and Sandra. Here are some pictures of the beautiful blooms. It was great, but SO cold!

Happy Easter! "Christ is risen" "He is risen indeed!" No matter how much I struggle with "religious stuff", I do love some of the rituals. They are comforting and inspiring.

A lot has happened since I last wrote, all of it good. I know, I am aware of my blessings. I might struggle with church, but the Lord knows I love Him!

FIRST and most exciting of all, I'm pregnant again! I've known for exactly one week today, and I still can't stop praising God for his glory and faithfulness, even when I have been so unfaithful and weak in so many ways. He is truly the giver of good things. We do have a little bit of trepidation, which I think is only natural. I am just trying to trust God, eat well, rest lots, and surrender my will to the Infinite and Close Presence that is God.

Second, and second most exciting, we bought a house! A beautiful, wonderful, large, cozy home for our little (but growing!) family. I cannot wait to move in and make it our own. The baby's room is especially lovely, with a mural that is just fantastic, a real labor of love.

Finally, the Heels won the national championship. It was SUCH a display of basketball, too. Really just a showcase of beautiful beautiful precision and teamwork. It was very satisfying to watch these guys get some vindication for the last two years of humiliating losses.

Last weekend goes down as the BWE aka Best Weekend Ever :-)