Our First Month

So Addie is a month old today. It's hard to believe that a month has passed since her birth! In some ways it feels like she has always been a part of our lives and in others it's hard to believe that we actually have a baby entrusted to our care. (Note: ha, I just looked back at my last post and I definitely said this last time. Oh well, I STILL can't believe it!)

Needless to say, my free time is incredibly limited, but I have tons of thoughts to share. First, I am so so in love with my baby. I loved before I knew her because she was ours...but now I love her because she is so uniquely and entirely herself. I hope that makes sense. What I mean to say is that I always loved our baby because it was our baby, but I didn't know Addie as a separate person until now. And despite her current three day fussy streak (growth spurt, I think?) she is immensely lovable. She is very alert and has decided likes and dislikes. It's incredibly gratifying that I am undoubtedly one of her "likes". She can be screaming like a banshee but she will always calm down when I pick her up. Granted, she usually commences screaming again until I manage to unearth the food supply from the layers of clothing, but hey...she stops and really knows me. She is a total cuddlebug and loves loves loves being held and rocked. She also smiled for the first time today AT me...her first real social smile. I think it's a little early for it, but I really believe it was in response to the game we were playing.

As much as I could talk happily about Adelaide all day long, I do want to write about motherhood itself and not just the object of my affection. The first month of mothering an infant is over, and I feel pretty much exactly like myself. Which is a good thing, I think. Granted, I am a slightly more tired and unkempt version of myself, but it's still me. Maybe that's not a shock, but I didn't know whether or not becoming "Mama" would change me profoundly. I don't think that it has...my LIFE is totally different, but I am still the same person...I'm just living a new phase...as myself. It's a bit of a relief. I don't know how many "drastic life makeovers" one person can comfortably contain...but for me, this isn't one of them. I don't want to imply that being a mother is somehow unimportant or insignificant...far from it! I just find it slightly reassuring that this is "me as mother" and not an entirely new and unfamiliar territory.

Oddly enough, I felt this crazy sense of recognition the first time that I saw Addie. I was fuzzy and muzzy from drugs and having painful muscle spasms in my neck and shoulders, but I saw her and thought "oh..there you are". It was a very soothing feeling. I've never really lost that. Being Addie's mother feels totally right and familiar to me. I've never sat up at night and nursed an infant, but it doesn't feel strange or new. I don't know what that means at all and I'm definitely rambling, but this is what happens when I'm deprived of writing for long periods of time. :-)

Speaking of nursing and rambling, the amount of television that I've watched is slightly unhealthy. Addie eats a lot. Like... a lot, a lot. Sometimes every hour and a half...and it takes about half an hour to feed her each time. I try not to watch total schwag, but I can name all the "Real Housewives of Orange County" now. And I've learned a lot about dog training from "The Dog Whisperer" and "It's Me or the Dog". And I've watched a lot of Paula Deen. And Rachel Ray (whom I don't even like). And Giada. And the "Most Extreme" on the Travel Channel. And lots of shows on Nat Geo and the History Channel. Yesterday I found myself watching something called "Gangland" and the particular episode was "Die, Snitch, Die". And movies...I'm familiar with HBO and Cinemax's entire lineup.

Of course, late at night, I try not to watch TV...I want her to understand that night is for sleeping and that we're going to have cozy late night feeding sessions where we cuddle and eat and that is it. No stimulating flashing lights and noises. As a result, I find my sleepy mind pondering strange things. Addie Bell has been fussy the last few nights and I find myself cataloging her various poses. For instance, there's "Mike Tyson" where she flails her fists like a champion boxer. Mike Tyson is a more aggressive version of my preferred pose, "Bollywood", where she moves her long fingers in these slow, intricate patterns while she nurses. She also has "PBR Circuit"...this is where she rythmically flails her topmost arm and leg when she is irritated and trying to nurse but is unhappy with something. I like to think of her as a professional bull rider trying to wrangle the breast into submission. This requires me to think of bull like names for the nemesis, of course. So far I like "The Jugular" and "Milkinator" best. Last night she invented a new pose...Alpine Ski Jumper. This is where she stiffens her entire body like a board and somehow still stays latched on. I think this might be in honor of the Winter Olympics coming soon. Anyway, you see what I mean. A sleepy mind does strange things.

Fortunately most of the time, Addie is just content to nurse quietly and let me soak up how beautiful she is when she is quiet and peaceful. I could watch her face for hours. I love nursing...it's such a wonderful bonding time. Yes, my house is a mess. Yes, I sometimes struggle to eat three square meals and bathe when Tim is on call. But it's so worth it. Nothing is better than these quiet moments with little Laideybug.

And this brings me full circle...my baby is already a month old. She is already so much bigger than she used to be! I can't believe how quickly time passes...I'm sure I already said that, but it bears repeating. My baby is growing up and literally changing from day to day. It's marvelous...and it's also happening so fast. I sometimes want to freeze a particular moment and just say "wait, wait...let me remember this always". I suppose this blog is as close as I can get to that. I'd like to write every week in an effort to capture those little moments...fingers crossed that I can come close to that goal.