I just watched Leslie's home birth on YouTube and of course I cried like a small child. Truly though, it was so amazing. She was so brave, and working so hard, and Sam...he is HUGE. It's one thing to hear "10 pounds, 2 oz." and another to see his massive (for a baby!) hands. He is really beautiful. And of course, so is Leslie. She is such a warrior. It was also really beautiful to see the love on Lara and Luke's faces. So much intimacy. I know Leslie so well, and yet...I would never have seen those moments without the aid of the camera and the Internet. For all the problems in our modern society, we are also truly blessed in so many ways.

As far as I go, I woke up completely freaking out this morning because I didn't feel crappy. I really worked myself into a state, thinking "What will I do if I lose this baby? I can't bear to start all over again, I can't take that twice." But the truth is, I'm not bleeding at all, I'm still cramping and still eating like a horse, and I'm definitely moody. So I do have symptoms, even if it's not the incontrovertible "proof" of embracing a trash can every day. And it may yet come to that!

I finally calmed down once I got on the train and headed to work. I listened to some music and tried to accept that I am not in control here. I can only do so much...eat, rest, take my vitamins, and pray. And I do pray, quite a lot, mostly for the ability to walk wherever this path leads with grace and gratitude. I am trying to accept that even if I am so blessed as to wake up one day near Christmas with a baby in my arms, even then that baby won't truly belong to ME. He or she will belong to God and to themselves. It is only given to us to safeguard them and nurture them for a little while and to share their life for as long as possible. That is such a wonderful privilege and responsibility and I am so so eager to be given an opportunity to cherish and shape a life.

If I could just maintain this state of calm...!!!!